


you made the flowers in me blossom

by kihovely



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Books, Depression, First Kiss, Fluffy Ending, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, mention of suicide, reverse hanahaki au disease, vomiting petals
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2018-08-19
Packaged: 2019-06-29 16:59:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15733647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kihovely/pseuds/kihovely
Summary: hanahaki au but instead of flowers growing in your lungs being devastating, it’s the only way to survive in a world where the air is so impure that the flowers make the unprocessable air breathable in your lungs again. love, of any kind, is the only way to live





	you made the flowers in me blossom

**Author's Note:**

> it's pretty turbulent again but also very fluffy, i promise

Hoseok turns around to look at an old lady coughing right next to him while waiting for the bus. He stares at the pink petals coming out of her mouth and the deep breathing she takes afterwards, smiling.

“Those petals may seem as an inconvenience sometimes when you cough them out, but they’re actually really nice, aren’t they?” she says, looking at him.

Hoseok nods, slowly praying that the bus would come sooner.

The thing is: he doesn’t know if the petals are nice or not.

He fixes his gaze on his shoes, getting dizzy out of sudden and he tries to take small breathings. Lately, it’s been even harder just to do so.

When the bus arrives, he has to try his best not to faint and sits at the back of the vehicle, placing his head between both of his hands to calm down.

Hoseok lives in a world where the air they breathe is intoxicating and the only way to survive is the flowers that grow in your lungs, even if sometimes some petals come out and make you cough, the flowers make the air breathable again. However, the only requirement for the flowers to grow is love, of any kind.

Hoseok doesn’t know any.

He gets home late, his father always insisted that he should get there by 8 p.m, not one minute earlier, not one minute late, but the bus was very slow today from work and Hoseok arrives around one hour later. He tries to take a deep breath before entering his house, but the poisonous air makes him choke and cough until tears gather in the corner of his eyes. He’s too coward to kill himself, but he’s waiting very gladly for the air to finally get his way with him and make him disappear. He has nothing to lose, after all.

The yells from his father can probably be heard from one mile away and Hoseok just nods at everything he says, already being used to it. He wants to hate his father but he can’t – the death of his mother, 8 years ago, was unbearable and then him turning out _wrong_ was probably the turning point for his father becoming like this. It was his fault after all, not his father’s.

He goes to sleep without dinner that day after his father implied coming home so late couldn’t be because of work and he was probably out there giving up to his true self – because a sickness like that couldn’t be avoided, less alone cured. He can’t blame his father for not loving him.

Although he is wrong, Hoseok doesn’t reply and just walks into his bedroom, changing his clothes and lying on his bed afterwards. There is nothing decorating his room besides a small photo of his mother on his night stand, next to the lamp. The rest is all white walls and a desk with some papers scattered across it. Before he nods off, Hoseok coughs a few times again, feeling his stomach constrict and he thinks nothing hurts anymore – not even the big, purple bruise on his right cheek. He feels numb.

 

Hoseok loves reading. He would love to buy all of the books he has read and keep them on his bedroom but his father would kill him with his own hands before that happened. He had tried to cover the bruise with some make-up he bought just for that, also hoping his father would never find out. He can hear what he would say in his mind “that suits people like you” and the look of disappointment and disgust in his face would be the last thing Hoseok sees before closing his eyes and waiting for the blow.

For that same reason, Hoseok goes every morning to the library closest to his work place until lunch, and then goes to work until mid-afternoon, then he heads home. He doesn’t have any friends either, so that has become his daily routine. It would be boring if it weren’t because he reads different books each time. His favourite genre is romantic, whatever type it is. Hoseok thinks it’s because he likes reading about people who find the happiness he never had and probably never will. Some kind of safe place that reassures him, in a way.

He works as a part-time gym trainer, one of the few jobs his father would let him do. Since he was a teenager he worked out a lot on his body and now he can work in the gym a few hours, helping other people get fit as well. It’s tiring and sometimes people are more bothersome than usual but he always finds a way to make it through, his superiors seem to be very pleased with him and he’s able to earn some money for himself. Not that he has much to spend on anyways, but at least he’s able to go to his favourite café with his new-acquired book and read peacefully there with his favourite tea.

Hoseok notices there is something off right when he walks inside the café the next morning. He’s been coming here for years and he knows the place and staff by heart so getting to see new people always seem off at first.

The new waiter, who Hoseok finds out later is also a barista, seems younger than him and his brunette hair seems to fit his face perfectly. Hoseok doesn’t like that he finds him handsome, guilt building up inside of him as the words of his father calling him a mistake echo through his mind.

“Hello, welcome.” Hoseok stares at the little metal plate in his chest, Kihyun being written in there. “What would you like to order?”

“Black tea with berries, please.” He says. It’s one of his usual orders in there. “No milk.”

“Okay, that’d be 3.000 won. I’ll take it to your table once it’s done, thank you!”

He coughs a few times when he’s sitting on the table, with his book already opened and waiting for his tea to arrive. Hoseok notices it’s getting harder and harder to breathe each time and he’s not sure how long he’s going to be able to make it.

The waiter – Kihyun – brings him his tea a few minutes later, accompanying the cup with a small biscuit, something that Hoseok has never seen before. He doesn’t complain, though, because he is hungry. The only food he has been eating lately is ramen that he bought at a convenience store and ate there, because his father would not let him eat dinner sometimes, if his mood wasn’t the right one.

The book he’s reading now is poetry, Hoseok has never been one of poetry but lately he’s found himself reading more and more, finding his own heart in between the sadness, the happiness, the longing and the pain. He’s only able to feel when he’s reading.

“Excuse me.”

Hoseok looks up to see Kihyun is looking straight at him, with now the empty cup on his hands.

“Yes?” he asks, confused.

“May I know which book you’re reading?” Kihyun brings his index finger to his face and pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“It’s poetry.” He replies, even more confused than before. “Love, Women and Life, by Mario Benedetti.”

“Oh.” Kihyun’s lips twitch and Hoseok wonders if he’s preventing himself from smiling. “I’ve read that one. Do you like it?”

“I guess.” He shrugs. “I haven’t read much poetry so I can’t really judge, but I like it. Even though sometimes it’s hard to understand you can still feel it, you know?”

“I know.” Kihyun switches the weight of his body from one feet to the other. “Benedetti is just like that. You should read ‘The truce’, it’s my favourite book of him.”

“Oh, I will! Thanks.” Hoseok replies and realizes he’s been fidgeting all the time when Kihyun leaves.

 

Hoseok finds out Kihyun is a lit major a few days later and that makes him feel extremely insecure while talking about books with him – because he knows nothing, really, the only thing he does is read. Kihyun laughs at him when he voices out those thoughts, saying he knows more than half of his class and that it’s been a while since he could talk about books like this with someone.

He also finds out Kihyun is 19 while he’s 20, doesn’t like tea but loves coffee and Hoseok also loves ‘The Truce’ and has to give Kihyun credits for telling him about it.  

“It was sad, though.” He complains, curling his fingers around the warm cup of tea he’s ordered this time.

Kihyun is sitting in the chair in front of him, with his work clothes on and a dirty cloth from cleaning tables hanging on his shoulder. He shouldn’t be there but he always takes a few minutes to hear him talking about whatever book he has read that time.

“Did you cry?” Kihyun laughs, the soft sound echoing through Hoseok’s ears.

“Maybe.” The truth is, Hoseok is a bit of a cry baby but he always has to hold back because he reads in a public place. He also found himself in the book and that was something that made Hoseok really like a book. “I guess I just kinda hoped deep inside everything would turn out fine for him. That he would finally be happy, but I guess that never really happens, does it?”

“I guess.” Kihyun shrugs. “I like the rawness of the book the most. I lost my mom when I was young and, although my father re-married, whenever I read this book I wonder if this is how he feels.”

Hoseok’s mouth turn into a small ‘o’ at the words.

“My mom died when I was a kid too. My father never re-married, though. It’s just the two of us.”

“And how are things at home?”

Hoseok’s body tenses unwittingly, but Kihyun seems to notice.

“I’m sorry, that was too personal.” He says, standing up. Hoseok mentally slaps himself for having fucked it up. “I should get back to work.”

 

Hoseok easily falls into the new routine, the only difference being Kihyun, but it _is_ enough. He had always longed to have a person whom he could talk to about books, but he has always been alone besides his father, and talking to him would be direct suicide.

They talk a lot whenever Kihyun has a few minutes; they argue about Murakami’s books (because Hoseok liked Tokio Blues but Kihyun hates his writing, claiming he didn’t feel anything about it except confussion and Hoseok says he’s boring and doesn’t understand things) and criticise the new best-sellers that people were publishing, romantic clichés being the most used theme, and Kihyun alleged he would chop off his arm before reading one (Hoseok would confess him, later, he might have read one or two before). Hoseok loves when they agree on books, but also love when they don’t, because they can talk about anything and Kihyun’s cheeks get puffed and flustered when he’s trying to argue back.

It takes a few weeks before Hoseok notices it.

He had run to the bus as if his life depended on it (which actually wasn’t that far from the truth) and when he gets there he chokes, trying to breathe some air and, for the first time in a very, very long time, he doesn’t feel like he’s about to die. His chest rises and falls erratically trying to get enough oxygen into his system and usually Hoseok would be already on the verge of dying, but this time he can breathe better. He’s shocked and, while he sits on the back of the bus, all type of thoughts cross his mind. He thinks of Kihyun and the genuine smiles he would give him whenever he walked through the door, and he gasps, out loud. Thinking someone cares about him is something he would have never expected to happen – it was a thought he could only allow himself to dream of.

It's scary and puts him out of place, he has been so keen on dying eventually that the sudden thought of living longer feels weird. Would he be able to make it with Kihyun by his side? Would Kihyun still want to be next to him in a few months? Would he when he found out Hoseok was _sick_?

The answer to all the questions that popped up in his mind were followed by a big ‘no’ and Hoseok closes his eyes, trying to shut down his racing thoughts. He shouldn’t really be able to have anyone by his side, he really should just be alone and slowly die. It’s what his father always told him he deserves.

He stares at Kihyun for a few minutes longer after that every time they saw each other, always at the café. He noticed Kihyun’s little habits, from pouting whenever he heard Hoseok didn’t like a book he recommended or the way his brows knit together when he’s making coffee. He also notices that Kihyun always writes down with a blue pen and that his glasses are fake. He allows himself to notice all these things even if the voice inside his head just keeps screaming things at him – the voice of his father, his high school classmates, everyone laughing at him and calling him _names_.

It shouldn’t be surprising when Hoseok ends up panicking and running away, avoiding Kihyun at all costs. Since he knew his schedule, not going when Kihyun was there was easy and even though the tea tasted worse, Hoseok still thinks it’s for the best. Kihyun should stop hanging out with him, because there’s no way he hasn’t noticed the looks people give them and Hoseok wouldn’t want Kihyun to have to go through what he had to.

He dwells himself on his old routine, going to the library then to the café at the times Kihyun isn’t working and then to the gym to work until the end of his shift.

When he gets home that night, he notices there’s something off from the previous days. Nothing is really different, but he can feel it on his father, somehow.

“I’ve met an old friend today.” He says, getting up from the couch. “He says he’s been going to this library a lot to get books for his new project and said he has seen my son many times there as well.”

Hoseok’s heart starts racing inside his chest and he can already feel the bile in his throat.

“So I was wondering what is my son doing at the library almost every day.”

“I- I read books about training.” He lies, stuttering. “For my job.”

“Fucking liar.” His father spits on the floor, close to Hoseok’s shoes. “Do you think I don’t know what you’ve been reading? Romantic books? Poetry? Suits a faggot like you!”

Hoseok has his arms already around his face when he receives the first punch, so hard it sends him a few steps backwards, stumbling. He kneels down and tries to protect his body while his father screams and kicks him everywhere, sometimes even hitting his face. Hoseok can’t see anything due to the tears and he pushes his father back as hard as he can, throwing him to the floor and runs.

He runs for as long as his legs allow him to and he collapses after a while, throwing himself in a hidden bench inside a park. There’s blood on his nose and lips and the tears won’t stop falling. Every muscle on his body hurts and he has nowhere to go. He wishes he has asked Kihyun for his phone number to call him, but also knows it would be for the best not to. He doesn’t want to ask any questions now.

However, he’s out in the streets, beaten up and coming back home is the last thing in his mind to do, so instead he goes to the café, hoping to arrive on time before it closes and waiting for Kihyun to be there.

It’s almost night when he reaches the place and it’s already closed down but the staff is still inside, cleaning the tables and setting everything ready for the next day.

Hoseok waits in front of the back door, hiding himself a bit so other people wouldn’t ask him questions when they left.

His breath gets caught in his throat when he spots Kihyun heading out of the building, towards the other side of the street.

“Kihyun.” He calls out, choking a bit. His lips burn whenever he moves them, making him hiss in pain.

“Hoseok?” Kihyun squints his eyes at him, trying to adjust his eyesight to the dim light. “Where have you been? It’s been weeks sin- oh my god, Hoseok!? Are you alright?!”

He screams, running towards him and scans his face thoroughly, grabbing his chin and moving his face from side to side.

“I’m okay.” He says, which isn’t really a lie. Being with Kihyun now makes him feel okay. “I-can we go to your house?”

“Of course.” Kihyun grabs him by the arm. “You’re lucky I only live with my roommate, but he’s out for the weekend.”

Hoseok finds out Kihyun’s house is actually a few minutes on foot from the café so he doesn’t have to take any public transport or car to get to work, like him. He had wanted his work to be far from home, though.

Kihyun sits him on the bed while grabbing the first aid kit from the bathroom and kneels in front of him.

“It’s going to sting a bit.” He says, pressing a cotton against his lips. Hoseok hisses in pain but he doesn’t move. He closes his eyes and Kihyun’s hand is on his thigh, caressing him.

It takes a few minutes before everything is done, Kihyun even insisted in Hoseok taking off his shirt to look for more wounds, but there wasn’t much he could do for all the bruises he has.

“May I ask what happened?” Kihyun says, after a while.

They’re both lying on his bed, next to each other but not touching, and there’s an empty table of food on the night stand next to Hoseok.

“I got into a fight.” Hoseok simply states.

“You don’t seem to be the type to get into fights.”

“It was my father.”

Silence follows afterwards, Hoseok knows Kihyun wants to know more but he won’t dig into it unless he wants to tell him, respecting his personal space. One day, Hoseok thinks, one day he will tell Kihyun everything, but not today.

 

Kihyun helps him find an apartment he can share with some college students to live from now on. He told Kihyun he didn’t want to come back home and he understood, the following day throwing his laptop in front of Hoseok’s face with lots of renting tabs opened.

They exchange numbers too and Hoseok ignores the amount of calls from his father he receives every day, almost considering blocking his number.

Since he can get home later now – something he’s never been able to do before – he sometimes finds himself at Kihyun’s apartment, watching a film on the couch while eating popcorns or cooking some dinner while the other studies for his finals. Hoseok confesses how he always wanted to get into college and study lit too, but he was never able to do it. Instead, since he liked and was good at it, he took some training courses that gave him the title he needed to work at the gym.

The best thing about Kihyun studying lit is that he owns many books that Hoseok has never read before and he finds himself stealing more than one every so often, always making sure to hand them back in perfect conditions, but Kihyun would always yell at him, faking being annoyed for not having asked, but Hoseok knows he doesn’t mind at all.

The first time that happens it shocks him so much that his legs almost give in and he has to kneel down on the floor.

He’s been on his way to work, after having had breakfast with Kihyun, that he feels his lungs clenching inside his chest and he starts coughing roughly, as if there is something trying to crawl out inside of him. He coughs and coughs, trying to get it off his chest, until he’s spitting petals all over the floor. He stares at them with wide eyes, so wide they start to hurt and his mind becomes dizzy. He had noticed how his breathing got better and better with every day that passed, but he would have never expected to actually grow flowers inside his lungs.

That meant Kihyun loved him.

The thought scares Hoseok to no point. He considers skipping his job today, but he can’t risk being kicked out now that he has to pay his own bills, so instead just hopes the shift would end fast and he could get home and hide inside his blankets maybe for the rest of his life.

In his 20 years of life he never had someone that cared about him since his mother died. All he ever knew was rejection and a hollow in his chest that only grew bigger and bigger everyday and that Hoseok only hoped the poisonous air would fill until he died.

He thinks the reason why Kihyun loves him is because he doesn’t know his true self and that is enough to make his head race with unwanted thoughts and the anxiety builds up inside him. He doesn’t deserve Kihyun loving him – he doesn’t deserve anyone loving him because he’s wrong and he’s broken and he only deserves to be alone. He decides to tell Kihyun when he comes back home.

Things are easier being said than done because when Kihyun texts him he’s home and to come over, Hoseok has already almost changed his mind, and is only able to speak up very late into the night, when he’s sitting on Kihyun’s bed and he has asked about a hundred times what’s wrong because he could see through him.

“You don’t know everything about me.” He says, almost choking on his words. “If you did, you would kick me out of your house right now.”

“What?” Kihyun raises an eyebrow, grabbing the chair from his desk to sit in front of Hoseok. “What nonsense are you talking about?”

“I-” he takes a deep breath. “I coughed flowers today.”

Kihyun stays quiet, waiting for him to keep talking.

“I was really close to dying when I met you that day. Probably only a few months more.” Hoseok takes another deep breath, realizing this was harder than he thought it would be. But Kihyun deserved to know the truth. “Every day that passed I found myself being able to breathe a bit better and, today, I even coughed flowers. You are the very first person after my mom passed to ever care about me.”

“I do care about you.” Kihyun says, staring at him. Hoseok doesn’t look up to meet his gaze.

“But that’s because you don’t know everything about me. I…I am _sick_ , Kihyun.”

“Sick? What do you mean?” Kihyun furrows his eyebrows, worried.

“You know I got called all those names back in high school and by my father too, not that they were wrong, though, but I got to find out there was something different with me.”

“What? Names? Hoseok, I’m not really sure I know what you’re talking about.”

“Kihyun, I’m gay.”

Silence.

Hoseok closes his eyes, expecting the rejection. Deep inside he waits for a blow that never comes, because Kihyun would never hurt him.

More silence.

“Hoseok, I’m proud of you.”

He opens his eyes now, shocked. He’s still not able to look up to Kihyun but his heart is pounding inside his chest and his legs are shaking when Kihyun keeps talking.

“I can’t even come close to imagine how hard this must have been for you, but I’m really proud and happy that you decided to trust me with this. I would never reject you for being gay, Hoseok, there’s nothing wrong with it, actually.”

“There is, though.” Hoseok starts, but the words die on his tongue. Deep, deep inside, he knows there’s nothing wrong, but he’s been told all his life otherwise.

“Is there?” Kihyun smiles, softly. “Do you think there is something wrong with me?”

“What? No, why would you say som-” Something clicks inside Hoseok’s minds, then. “Oh.”

“I am really sorry you had to go through all of that all your life, Hoseok. I know having someone telling you there’s actually nothing wrong with you at all and that you’re perfect is going to be something really hard to believe and digest, but I hope eventually you will. I will be here to reassure you all the time.”

Hoseok can’t take it any longer and he cries out, resting his head on Kihyun’s shoulder and he cries until he’s almost dry, until there are no more tears coming out of him and all his limbs are numb from being stuck in the same position for probably more than an hour.

“I love you.” Kihyun says, patting his head. “I know this is going to be scary for you but I’m willing to go slow and- I mean, if you want to. I’m telling you all of these and I don’t even know if you want something like that too.”

Hoseok chuckles softly, coughing a bit afterwards. Some pink petals fall to the floor.

“It’s…it’s really scary and my mind is overwhelmed with all of these but what I do know is that I would love to go slow with you…because I love you too.”

“Good.”

Kihyun grabs his chin and Hoseok feels all the blood rushing through his veins in his ears, overshadowing his father’s yells and words. He focuses on Kihyun sitting in front of him and everything seems to feel just right.

Kihyun gives him a short peck that is just a mere brush of lips then and, for the first time in his life, Hoseok allows himself to be himself. He’s still afraid and would probably take him a long, long time to be able to finally accept everything, but it’s a start. And with Kihyun holding his hand he’s sure he can make it through. There are flowers in his lungs thanks to Kihyun allowing him to breathe and Hoseok is willing to be alive, sharing his life with him. 


End file.
